After an awesome week with a friend, including much of what I sometimes think I don't have time for (a day at the beach, hike in the woods, dinner with friends), it felt good to reclaim the 2nd bathroom and my office/guest room. I love getting ready for company, and... it is nice doing a reset to my usual regimen. I didn't really know that about myself before I got sober - my preference for structure and routine. Self-knowledge isn't enough to stop drinking, but it sure is a boon to my serenity today.
As we swelter through a 2nd heatwave (100 degrees is very hot for Portland) I find myself thinking ahead to the shift in seasons. OK, a bit of future tripping as I anticipate sweater weather, but rather than thinking about what I want to do, I'm meditating on how I want to be as fall approaches. I nearly always have a To-Do list, but I also think of seasonal change as an opportunity for a mini-inventory of what's working and what isn't, whether that's related to meetings, my volunteer gig, or how I approach my days. Am I getting agitated or distracted by too much time reading the news of the day? Do I have passion for my walking practice, or am I just going through the motions (not bad in and of itself if I'm still moving, but maybe time to rethink my routes or timing)?
As August winds down, I'll make tomato sauce from our bounty because it needs to be done, but also as a way to connect with my female lineage, oh they of stout figure and full pantry. I'll check around the house exterior for any minor repairs needed, mindful of the responsibilities of homeownership. I'll start keeping an eye out for next year's journal, because it's what I love to do.
I realize much of what I'm describing is related to "doing" but what I want to be conscious of is the attitude I bring to even mundane tasks. A friend shared something from a woman, now deceased, who knew she wouldn't live to see her young child grow up. This woman said she didn't have time to hurry, to be in a rush, knowing that she really, truly needed/wanted to savor every single moment.
I've long been a "hurry up" kind of person, afraid to run out of time for this thing or another, not wanting to be late - in my mother's world, being on-time was late, so I know that this "ism" is at least partially learned behavior. I don't want to pathologize this trait, "and" can apply "How important is it?" when I'm feeling rushed. Am I in danger of being late for a flight, or is it merely my internal clock ticking?
Self-examination can apply to anything troubling. Perhaps procrastination is the issue or being chronically late; worries about money, real or imagined; fears around mortality or aging... pick your poison, as they say. I know that my characteristics are on a continuum, from helpful to hurtful, and they haven't really changed much over the years, other than by incremental degrees. What I appreciate about long-term recovery is that I'm (generally) aware of what is my stuff. Impatience? Check. Oldest child always right syndrome? Check.
With August's focus on Step 8, I like to go back to the 12x12 (p.80) where Bill describes the importance of examining our personal relationships for details about ourselves. This isn't just about making a list, but about looking at how I interact in the world (because usually, the troubles I have with one person are the troubles I have with others). I love that he recommends going beyond the superficial - the lying, cheating and stealing - to discover the causes and conditions. For a long, long time, causes and conditions drove my behavior, for the most part unconsciously. And that's another benefit of long term sobriety - much of what I carried around in my head has made its way to my heart. That scared little girl, or snarky teenager, sometimes still tries to run the show, but I'm much better able to recognize and comfort that part of myself before getting into too much trouble.
Do you have any seasonal rituals around this time of year? Are there any nourishing activities you think you don't have time for that you could do this week? In addition to things you want or need to do, how do you want to be? How does Step 8 allow you to go deeper into the dynamics of you your relationships?
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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them, if you're in the area.
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