I'm not sure how to write about this in a general way, so I'll just dive into what's on my mind. The other evening I watched a PBS documentary about the singer, Janis Ian, who's first release was a song she wrote at age 14 called Society's Child. Released in 1966, it was considered controversial as it was about a white girl's relationship with a Black boy that the girl gave up because of society's judgements.
My relationship with my first husband started in 1970, when acceptance in the area of interracial relationships had shifted some, but that song still hit me in my idealistic teenage heart. For the most part, my family and peers were fine with us, but there were definitely incidences of discrimination and prejudice, mostly from adults (like the physician who told my mother to "keep her away from 'them'" to the construction workers on our street who made a snide comment about me after my boyfriend dropped me off after school, the police officer who leaned into my side of the car to ask, "Does your mother know where you are?" while staring at my boyfriend).
Maybe it's because of the anniversary of his birthday, and of our wedding date in September, with him now gone 5 years. Maybe it was watching footage in the documentary of the social and civil rights revolution and so many being harmed. Maybe it was the grief that I still sometimes feel for the younger me that often flailed through life, but whatever the reason, I found myself weeping in my spouse's arms, sad for the 15, 16, 17-year-old me that, while sometimes acting defiant, was stunned by the overt judgment of others. (as racial prejudice wasn't something I was raised with). At the time, I collected magazine articles on the subject, wrote poetry, and talked for hours with my best friend and my boyfriend, about the ignorance that fed hate. Once married, we had a great life (for a while), back when drinking was still fun in our multi-cultural friend group. But I will say that as I contemplated the demise of the marriage (my mother was right - we were too young), I was sad to now be just another statistic of a mixed couple who didn't make it.
What does this have to do with long-term recovery? I'm not sure, other than my surprise that those old, old feelings that I may not even have acknowledged at the time, reached out to say, "Sometimes it was tough back then." I think of the many times over the years that healing came through unexpected tears, having done the internal work, having emotionally or spiritually opened the channel, or sometimes just because of a song on the radio or a story on TV.
The late 60's and early 70's were an intense time to grow up, whether one followed a more traditional path or not. I suppose each generation has its trials and joys, from wars and politics, economics and pop culture of the day. The AA literature advises that we not get overly invested in affairs of the world. Easier said than done, and all a part of who I am today.
And so, the beat goes on, which sometimes includes the past reaching out to grab me by the ankle with an "I bet you forgot about this!" I've learned, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, that my emotions usually just want to be acknowledged, and in doing so, I allow them to pass on through. Sometimes that benefits from pen to paper, sometimes a conversation with a trusted other, sometimes an internal "Yes. I see you."
Are there incidences, memories or situations from your past that sometimes speak to you these days? How do you gain perspective on the past, forgiving yourself or perhaps others? Do you have tools that help you stay in the present?
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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. Also, Barth Books and Gifts took a few workbooks back to Yakima, WA with them from Summerfest, if you're in the area
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