Letting Go...
As I write, my dear spouse is in our garage with 3 young men, new to recovery, who hired on to help with the final push to close out the storage locker he's been in for years. It has been a process of letting go, both materially and spiritually, and a statement of trust - in our 5 year marriage, our commitment to downsizing, our desire to lighten our load.
Recovery has been like that - commitment, trust and letting go. First up was the commitment to abstinence, to doing whatever it took to stay clean & sober. An old-timer named Bruce once said, "Don't let this one day at a time crap fool you - we're talking about the rest of your God damned lives!" Yes. One day at a time, I am committed to self care rather than self harm, solutions rather than problems. And then the letting go. Do I let go and then learn to trust, or trust and then let go? Maybe they are one and the same. I have learned to trust that the world runs just fine on its own, that if I stay out of my own way, circumstances generally work out for the better. From that experience comes the letting go - of outcomes, of my plans and designs, of my attempts at control.
At the beginning, and well into the middle years, letting go and trust were at the end of a long list of not-so-functional coping skills: drink lots of coffee, talk to 20 different people, don't think about the issue, or think about nothing else, write pros & cons lists, pray for my will to be done and pronto. Age, and years in recovery have worn me down to a more peaceful outlook, like a jagged rock made smooth by time and the elements. Nearly everything I've ever been afraid of has already happened to me, so relax already!
Letting go is a practice. Trust is a spiritual discipline. When I feel that familiar internal clench, when I realize that I am holding on too tight to an idea or a plan, I can take a breath. I can meditate. I can talk with a trusted other. I can put pen to paper. I can pray for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out.
I'm finding that the de-cluttering taking place in our household is the physical manifestation of the de-cluttering that is taking place in my soul. What do I want to take with me on the next phase of my development? What am I finally willing to let go of? I'm finding myself less inclined to hang on to old ideas as I more seriously realize that my time on this plane is finite. Whether it is old written inventories, dishes I haven't used in years, or the still whispering notion that I'm not enough, it is time to let go, to lighten my load - one day at a time, for the rest of my g.d. life.
I so love your posts. It is such a delight to hear your thoughts so eloquently expressed. Thank you so much for doing this. I also am looking at letting go of my will, my way, I know better, I really am (humble cough) right and those people, well they are just ... And the things that I never wanted to do (though I did a lot), the sighing, the lecturing, for the most part they seem to manifest online more than in person which I guess is progress. I just celebrated a milestone of sobriety - had a massive celebration with one other member of the fellowship. :-) One cookie and some water. WooHoo. I let go of the need for large numbers of people to validate - though when I'm in the U.S., I will announce my milestone if they ask. So letting go of the need for attention, and as my memory still seems (to me) to be fading away, my need to spout and proclaim is also diminishing (slowly, but still). I am so fortunate that I was ready, all those years ago, when my father scooped me up and took me to Duffy's...and I am fortunate also that the sanity restored has never totally left me, so that I remain, flawed and striving, still sane. The benefit of having friends such as yourself who know the path, and are still on it, is incredible. Thank you again for this.
ReplyDeleteThank you, friend... And congrats on 30 years, one day at a time.
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