Relieve me of the bondage of self...

Yesterday morning I found myself snapping at my husband, and then making immediate amends - and this was before 5am.  I did a fair amount of self-flagellation well into the morning. Shouldn't I know better by now? Will responding, rather than reacting, ever come automatically?

I have to wonder about character defects (or defenses - call them what you will, these aspects of ourselves that cause us and others discomfort).  When I first entered recovery, I was, as we say, "a liar, a cheat and a thief."  Those defects of behavior were corrected almost immediately upon embracing sobriety. I had a lot less to lie about when I was no longer using drugs or drinking beer for breakfast.  Through the inventory process, which I initially thought was intended to punish me for bad behavior, my sponsor helped me dig below the offending action to get to the underlying defect  - the place where instincts had "gone awry." Many of those crunchy places were smoothed over with increased awareness. I caught myself and corrected the little fibs, usually before I said them. I stopped being less-than-honorable in my relationships.  I acted as if I was confident until that became a part of who I am.

But what of those tender spots that don't seem to have gone away?  After decades of inventory, there are a few aspects of self that still cause me to wince.  The acting out from those places has definitely mellowed, but there is still the little "ouch" of hearing my mind jump to the same old story line.  For me, it is insecurity and comparison that continue to plague my otherwise peaceful life.  And challenges with feeling too busy - something I've been complaining about in my journal for years and years.  Are these character defects, meant to be eradicated? Or perhaps merely aspects of my character, like my sense of humor or being organized.

I have a hunch that it is in acceptance that I will find peace. The more I focus on "not this again!" the more I am engaged in the losing battle of self change. If I could've changed myself, I would've - a long time ago.  What about relaxing into the process?  The 7th step prayer says, "Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me," not "just the healthy bits," or conversely, "just those parts I hate."  What if I could accept myself as I am in this moment?  One of the Alanon daily readers reminds me that "being human is not a character defect."  

When I snap at my spouse (self-righteousness), or grumble to myself about the person in front of me at the store (impatience), or find myself lacking in comparison to others in the room (insecurity), what if I were to pause and ask myself what I'm afraid of? What if I were to take a deep breath and take stock of where I feel out of balance? What if I were simply to notice?