Between getting married, menopause, and losing my mother, I've struggled to drop those pesky 10 pounds that just keep hanging on. I've used the old Weight Watchers trick of logging everything I eat, with the thought that the tally would act as a governor of sorts. Lo and behold, when I became willing to be entirely honest with myself, I realized I'd been giving myself 3-4 "cheat" days each week. You know, "cheat" days, when it's ok to have that peanut butter sandwich, or another piece of pizza, or just a mere slice of cheese. Can we say, "half measures?" Eating clean 3 days per week does not result in weight loss. Bummer.

Where else do I use shortcuts, or cut corners? Housekeeping, for sure. I've subscribed to the "good enough" model for some time now. How about with my monthly step group? Ummm, I must admit that I do the bulk of my concentration in the few days before we meet. I start the month full of determination and reflection, then often need to remind myself that, oh! we're meeting on Sunday!

Someone recently said, referring to Step 7 (Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings) that the Higher Power can't take away my defects/defenses/unhelpful coping skills if I am still using them. Bam! I'd never thought of it that way, but of course. If I'm out there living with one foot in tomorrow and asking HP to take away my tendency to future trip, how does that work exactly? Am I asking that this defect be removed next week, since that's where my mind often resides? And what about my schedule - that thing I've been writing about in my journal and inventories for decades? It doesn't work to ask that my habit of over-booking be removed while I'm jotting down another appointment.

Sometimes shortcuts are ok. I don't iron pillowcases, like my mother did, and I sometimes fast-forward through movies. But, when it comes to my health or my spiritual program, shortcuts can be the beginning of a slippery slope. I'm not afraid that I'll drink today if I rush through my morning prayers or avoid a particular phone call, but I can get all sorts of crazy and off-balance when I ask the Universe for help and guidance, and keep doing the same old thing, again and again.

Years ago, a woman who was a brief regular at our home group owned a horse, and every Friday she would talk about the hassles she had with the place where she boarded the animal, and her conflicts with the other boarders. Every Friday. A dear friend looked at me after one of those meetings and said simply, "Everyone has their horse." Indeed. Everyone has their horse, be it finances or relationships, food or work, or sugar, or the to-do list - the particular "ism" that can dog our recovery for years. If I'm truly uncomfortable (and not just because I think I "should" be) I need to ask myself why I'm hanging on to this behavior. What purpose is it serving? Am I half-measuring ? Am I willing to surrender, and if so, what action doe that require on my part?  (in other words, I can't say "I give up" and order a bacon-cheeseburger with the next breath).

Change is hard. Sometimes I think it is harder as I move along in recovery because my habits are well tended, and the bad ones aren't as dramatic as in the early days when it was obvious what I needed to stop doing. What I've recently learned about change is that thinking of what I don't want to do simply gives energy to that negative. What I can do, no shortcuts allowed, is think about how I want to be in the world, and invite in the positive. I strive for a life balanced between work and pleasure, solitude and companionship. I can write that into my date book as a reminder, or repeat it as a mantra as I start my day. I can do my part in making myself ready for change. And, note to self, I can eat clean, if not 7 days a week, at least 5 or 6. (I'm only cheating myself when I give myself permission to ignore what I know will make me feel better, related to food or otherwise.)

Progress, not perfection, applies as much today as it did when I first got sober. I can be mindful of walking the line between relaxing into the process and holding myself accountable. Are there areas where you want to surrender?