Someone I know, someone who struggles with a secondary addiction that has become primary, suggested that I write about desire, and the fact that “desire is not enough.” As we say, “You gotta wanna,” but want without action is simply wishful thinking.

This topic made me think of my process while writing my novel (“Shadows and Veins”).It is not on the scale with addiction, but does give me a window into desire. From the time I was a little girl, transported to different times and different places by the books I would devour long past mom’s call for “lights out,” I wanted to write my own book that would do the same for someone else. The dream stayed there, in the back of my mind, through relationships and travel, addiction and recovery. I had the desire. But for too long, I waited for inspiration, and the ever elusive “someday” when I’d have time to write. Over time, and with good teachers, I came to understand that writing is a discipline, and as I wrote in fits and starts, I prayed that Higher Power would either remove my dream or give me what I needed to complete the project. It took several years of writing in snatches of time, but I found that the more I wrote, the more I wanted to write, and in 2012, I achieved my lifelong dream by self-publishing my book. (shameless plug - available on Amazon or at the Multnomah County Library) Desire + Willingness = Completion.

According to the Big Book, “willingness is the key” to recovery, but how do we become willing if we’re not? How do we become willing to go to a meeting, pick up the phone, put down the cigarette, stay out of the casino, walk away from the piece of cake (fill in your own personal blank ______).  I believe that there is a component of self-discipline and accountability to this whole thing. Yes, there is an aspect of grace to recovery, but it isn’t magic. I needed to get the booze out of the fridge, stop sleeping with my dealer-boyfriend, get my butt to a meeting... even when I didn’t want to. The prime factor of “act as if” is “act.” Desire + Willingness = Action.

Following the 12 Steps is a practice, just like any other spiritual discipline. The Cambridge dictionary defines an aspect of discipline as: training that makes people more able to control themselves. I think of self-discipline as a muscle, one that gets stronger with consistent use. And I will say that when I want something (that cake, for example) it can be really tough to walk away. But, it is possible - over the weekend I was at a conference banquet with a table full of gorgeous desserts - chocolate and lemon and sugar galore, and didn't pick up. What I know about me is that if I eat sugar, I want more sugar (one is too many and a thousand is never enough), so by staying abstinent from treats, I’ve been moved to that blessed place of neutrality. How did I get there, with drugs, alcohol and sugar? I couldn’t tell you precisely - that's the mystery of recovery. I was graced with the gift of desperation with the booze and drugs that made me willing to do whatever it took to stay clean; abstinence from sugar quells that particular demon, one day at a time. I wonder if that isn’t a piece of it - staying away from the object of our addiction (meth, liquor, candy bars, the slot machine, etc) while at the same time, working the 12 steps on a daily basis.

What I've found is that practicing the principles grants a spiritual distance between me and what used to (& sometimes still) taunts me. When I was new to this way of life, walking through the liquor aisles at the grocery store was tough. Sitting across from someone drinking a fragrant glass of red wine was challenging. (I'm still uncomfortable around people who are mild drinkers. Drunks keep my eyes open to what I don't want - it's the sippers who get my imagination going). Over time, this way of life became my way of life and I focused less on what I was missing and more on what I'd gained - freedom, self-respect, a connection to Creator. Over time, the triggers lost their pull. And it did take time.

So, yes, I agree with  my friend that desire alone isn't enough to effect change. And unfortunately, desire + willingness isn't contagious, though there is power in the "we."  There is also power in turning it over, letting go, surrender - all those words we use to describe getting out of our own way. I would love to hear your experience on this topic, and how you've addressed any areas where the desire is there, but the willingness is lacking.

A postscript - A dear friend died yesterday. Yes, another one. I feel so blessed with positive connections, though that can mean being more available to the experience of loss. I am beyond grateful that two of us were able to make the trip back east earlier in the year, when the diagnosis was still new and not debilitating. I will say it again and again - do not take your loved ones for granted, because we truly don't know how much time we have to say "I love you," or "you matter to me." 

I love you Grace. Thank you for the laughter that sometimes made us cry, for running miles and miles up hills and down, for turning me on to great music and great ideas, for hikes and biking and lots of good meals. Thank you for your demonstrations of compassion and your commitment to social justice. Thank you for being you. I will miss you, friend.