It’s the third month, which means I focus my attention on the 3^rd Step: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God, or,  from the Alternative 12 Steps:  Make a decision to be open to spiritual energy as we take deliberate action for change in our lives.  For me, the gist of it is to get out of my own way – letting go of the fear-based illusion of control that I referenced last week.

My initial Step 3 experience, mere days into treatment, was an out loud, “F**k it, God. I can’t do this anymore. You take over” with what felt like an internal seismic shift that I now relate to releasing the compulsion to drink or use. I don't exactly know what happened - if I could understand the mystery, I wouldn't need it, but I am eternally grateful that I haven’t had to fight that urge like so many of my brothers and sisters in the rooms. Fleeting thoughts, more initially than after all these years, but I’ve never felt like I had to sit on my hands. There were times I felt the need to pick up the phone, or say in a meeting, “I felt like drinking today,” but what I’ve learned over time is that life is life – ups & downs - and no amount of alcohol is the solution to my problems or will enhance my successes. Once I "fully conceded to my innermost self that I am alcoholic" I've never (yet) thought otherwise.

For years, I recited the 3^rd Step prayer every morning. Now, not so much as I examine the automatic language that doesn't quite fit anymore. I do make a decision each morning to actively participate in my recovery, to maintain (& hopefully, increase)  my spiritual condition which, for me, means those practices that get my mind right before I jump in to the day.  I start with quiet time – a daily reader or two, my journal, and some minutes with the Insight Timer meditation app, sometimes an early run/jog. Always, but especially over these past few months, it is important for me to take a deep letting go breath.  I also often take a few minutes at the end of the workday with a cup of tea and maybe some literature or simply sitting in the garden on a nice day as I re-acclimate to home. Transitions are important, whether related to work, coming back from a trip, or other life adjustments big and small. Too often my circumstances have changed while my psyche is still in the old “normal.” Stopping to consciously acknowledge change helps.

This week has felt like a glorious return to routine, with my spouse coming out the other end of cancer treatments – not completely, but he is beginning the healing process. What that has meant for me is going to work in the morning rather than to the clinic, and hitting my  4pm meeting. A fellow there, who, quite frankly I don’t always listen to, said something that grabbed my attention this week (that’s what I get for putting personalities before principles). He said, “We always get what we ask for. My task is to get better with the asking.” This seems to tie directly to what I read in one of the Alanon  readers  – that sometimes I get answers when my heart didn’t even know it had a question. So often, my limited idea of what should be can’t compare to the awesomeness of what is just beyond my field of vision. Again, Step 3 = getting out of my own way, along with being conscious of where and how I spend my mental and emotional energy.

I think it has to do with staying aware of my thoughts and being honest with my motives. If I expect crappy interactions, that’s the energy I’m going to bring to a situation, and presto! I get crappy interactions in return. If I bring my centered-self into the day, I’m likely to have more positive connections, or be better able to deal with those that don’t go smoothly. If I am current with myself, via Step 10, 11 & 12, I can acknowledge what I want or need and speak that, rather than dancing around it, or expecting others to read my mind.

I will admit to being an optimist. I heard a funny story about optimism: A fellow walks into a room and sees another person digging through a huge pile of crap. “What on earth are you doing?!” he asks. “Well, I figure with all this s**t, there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!” That can be my self-check - am I looking for the pony, or focused on the pile of doo-doo?

Though sometimes, it is about the crap. There's a lot going on in the world right now, around the Covid-19 virus, whether I am in a panic or think the scare is overblown, or am somewhere in the middle. As a recovering alcoholic, the question is always, "What am I doing to take care of myself today?" Get out of the way, yes, and wash my hands. Connect with my program on a regular basis, and eat well. Trust in the power of my spiritual resources, and clean house.

Which, in a roundabout way, brings me back to Step 3. I can’t control what will happen in the day (hello!) but I can control my attitude. Will I hunker down and put up my armor, or relax into whatever is next? Will I try to control, or will I get out of my own way? Will I remain conscious of my motives and my purest desires (& will I write inventory if I don’t know what those are?) or will I try to power my way through and over anything or anyone in my way?

How do you practice Step 3 as a long-timer? How do you catch yourself when you slip into control mode? How do you acknowledge the many transitions you've experienced? And, how do you maintain the sanity promised in Step 2 when the daily news is full of fear?

NOTE: “I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions. Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information