In a meeting this week, several people asked themselves a variation of "Who's driving the bus?" as in, am I in my own way? It made me think of when I was six or seven, and the family car got stuck atop a boulder in the middle of our lane on the Santiam Highway traveling between Bend and Portland (before I-84 was constructed). Both parents got out of the car to investigate, and the vehicle started to roll, with a drop off to our left. Well into my recovery, I had a recurring dream of being in the back seat of a moving car with no one driving, waking with a heartbeat of fear. After several years of Step work and therapy, I had the same dream yet again. This time, my dad was in the back seat with me. Terrified, I pleaded with him to drive. He said no, and I realized that I needed to climb in front and drive myself. Sometimes dreams are just dreams - Jeanine TV - but sometimes, a healing occurs with a shift from the unconscious to conscious mind. Most days now, I drive the bus, aided by the "GPS" of my spiritual resources. I drive, but occasionally still have doubts as to whether I'm pointed in the "right" direction.

One of my Alanon daily readers recently addressed the topic of how, sometimes, our innate creativity and motivations are stymied when growing up with alcoholism, when we might not have gotten the support and encouragement we could've benefited from. That made me think about paths not taken when I was young and directionless. Sometimes I envy those who've seemed to always know where they were headed and what they'd do once they got there. 

Thinking along those lines caused me to remember my first husband, who, upon learning that his cancer was terminal, wondered if maybe he should've "lived" more, as in chased more women, traveled, explored the world. He had some regret that mostly what he'd done was go to work every day, until such time as he couldn't. My mother, on the other hand, wondered if she'd be forgiven for however she may have hurt people (though I'd have a hard time coming up with anyone who held ill-will towards her). Walking with both these dear people at the end of their lives did lead me to my own questions, as does the reading mentioned above. Have I done all I was supposed to do? What may be ahead on the path? What if I'd pushed myself a little harder, or further beyond my comfort zones?

Not everyone who reads this blog is an elder, but many are. As they used to say, you become an old-timer if you don't die and you don't drink. I suppose that evaluating one's life is pretty normal when the time ahead is much less than the time behind. I can certainly engage in morbid anticipation and reflection, thinking about the "what if's."  Or, I can pivot to gratitude for all the things I have done, the people I've known and loved, adventures taken. What is my choice to be? Probably both. Some days, triggered by a song, or simply the way winter trees look against the gray sky, I'll head down the road not traveled, where the story could've taken on an entirely different direction. Other days, prompted by another song, a share in a meeting, or conversation with an old friend, I'll celebrate the choices made, and the paths I did follow. 

Much of my "work" in 12 Step programs has been around self-knowledge, along with accountability (to self and others), striving for the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin. Sometimes, though, I wonder if I pay too much attention to my "ever changing moods" (Style Council, circa 1984). A good friend once said, "I have lots of emotions during the day - I just don't need to attach a sentence to every one of them." Where is the balance?

In his book, Yearnings: Ancient Wisdom for Daily Life,  Rabbi Irwin Kula writes, "The yearning for self is essential to our development but it is of course a quest that can never be fully satisfied... There's very little difference between the secular belief that we can know who we are and the religious fundamentalists' belief that we can know who God is... Rather than trying to define who we are, what if we sough an ever-deepening understanding of how much we are?" (p. 27) Not how little, or what is missing, but how much we are. I will sit with that idea, and remind myself of it the next time I feel  uncertain, or question my choices, past or present. 

This weekend is my first sponsor's AA anniversary. She's only a few years ahead of me, but when we worked together, and attended the same home group, I thought she was a goddess (actually, I still do - she is a very spiritually-grounded person). She used to remind me that instead of looking at how far I had yet to go, I could look at how far I'd come. I forget that these days, with all the years of recovery under my belt. But it is, still, a day at a time. It is a miracle that I'm alive and healthy, and that I have long term relationships with friends both in and out of the program. I, we, are the fortunate ones. I hope to never forget that all of my musings about self and paths and directions are a luxury and a privilege. There was a time when how to cure my hangover, or when I could track down the dope man, were my daily concerns. No more. And not for a long time. Thank you, K.T., for your wisdom and contributions to my journey.

Though we cannot know the where and the when, what comes to mind when you contemplate the time you have left on this earth? Is it satisfaction, regret, or a little of both? If you find yourself in the forest of what might have been, how do you find your way out? 

It's a busy weekend in AA-Land. Check out the West Hollywood Speaker Slam Feb 20-21 -  schedule: thewhrc.org/meetings   You can also stream past speakers from amotaudio.com. This is also the weekend for the virtual International Women's Conference:   57THIWC@57iwc2021.com  (registration reopens on Thursday, 2/8)

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I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions.  (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample) 

Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). ( I offer a price break for locals who can pick up their copy - $15)