February - time to step out of the morass of powerlessness and unmanageability and into a return to sanity. The format for our monthly Step Group suggests, for January, to write down all the things I'm powerless over, which started with affairs of the world, narrowing down to my spouse's sleep schedule before I realized that I'm also powerless over my initial, sometimes irrational, reaction to people, places and things. I'm not powerless over my actions and words, but that initial zing seems to come out of thin air. Thus, my Step One work last month was around the daily surrender, and the acknowledgment that if I could've thought myself out of my various "isms" I would've done so long ago. 

And now we're at Two, being restored to sanity by a power greater than myself. As I was taught, that power greater than myself was the meeting rooms, or actually, anyone else I could talk with about whatever harebrained idea was rattling around in my mind. Time and time again I experienced the truth of how talking about something takes the power out of it, whether an urge to get high, a crush, wanting to murder a roommate, feelings of "less-than" -  you name it. Whether leaving my great ideas in the meeting circle, or talking to a friend, saying out loud what I'm thinking either exposed the lunacy, or confirmed I was on the right path. The power-greater has also come to mean the still, small voice, the wisdom gained from years of this spiritual practice, the ability to wait. 

I hear people talk about the internal argument they had with the implication that they were insane. There is no doubt in my mind that my drinking and using behaviors were absolutely nuts - no rational person would've done the things I did in pursuit of the next high. But what does being restored to sanity mean with decades of recovery? I'm less likely to be teetering on the edge of a cliff these days - the unmanageability is usually subtle, coming in on a whisper instead of a shout. But I don't have all the answers. I have some, through lived experience, but for me, the sneaky unmanageability comes in the form of thinking I do know all there is to know, that my problems are better solved on my own, that you don't have time to listen. The insanity also tiptoes in as lingering feelings of insecurity, the old tape that says I'm not OK unless (fill in the blank). I know that to not be true, and yet...

In doing Step Two, I did used to wonder, "How do you restore something that was never there?" as in, sense of self, confidence, a healthy respect for my body? Maybe it was about learning what any sane person might know - sticking a needle in your arm, or driving drunk are not good ideas, for example. 

I remember a Home Ec class in high school," Preparation for Marriage," or something along those lines. We learned the rudimentaries of following a recipe, reading a grocery ad and making a shopping list, and how to balance a checkbook. One day, the discussion, in this coed class, was around being emotionally ready for commitment. The teacher pointed out that you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself, to which my classmates nodded and agreed. I was 16 or 17 at the time, and had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. I distinctly remember feeling confused: I am myself - how do I love myself? Having very little sense of who I was, my identity was solidified by relationships. It would be a long time before I felt competent to be in the world on my own. While I do regret some of my past, I am grateful for all that brought me to today. Without those painful lessons, I may not have been willing to let go of the old ideas and follow direction.

I continue to be grateful for how we 12-Steppers have adapted to the time of covid. Over the summer, several of us met for a small, distanced circle in a local park. As the weather turned, we moved online, though on dry days, have met in a friend's backyard around a firepit. This week, we had a hybrid meeting, with six of us around the fire and another four joining via laptop. It was awesome, intensified by the three sobriety anniversaries we celebrated. We really are the fortunate ones. Any one of us "coulda, shoulda, woulda" been dead behind the wheel, at the end of a syringe, the wrong blind date, or could've hurt someone else (beyond the heartache we did cause our loved ones). And in this pandemic, while so many are feeling lonely and isolated, we have our program. Zoom and Skype meetings aren't perfect - online we can't hug - and without leaving my house, I can gather with friends from around the country, and literally any time of night or day, join with like-minded others. 

The sun is shining here, as we await a snow and ice storm predicted for tomorrow afternoon. I braved the panic-shoppers at the grocery store, and will cover our delicate plants in preparation. And tonight, I'll sit in a square with some of my favorite people (including those I've never met in person), bearing witness to the miracle of recovery. 

How does Step Two show up in your life these days?  Who do you talk to when you sense the dis-ease trying to gain a foothold? What does being restored to sanity look like today?

(Check out the next West Hollywood Speaker Slam Feb 20-21 - we've "attended" the last two, enjoying a wide range of great speakers. Check out the schedule at thewhrc.org/meetings   You can also stream past speakers from amotaudio.com)

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I’ve Been Sober a Long Time – Now What? A workbook for the Joys & Challenges of Long Term Recovery” is a 78 page workbook, 8 ½ x11 format, with topics (such as grief, aging, sponsorship) that include a member’s view and processing questions.  (See the 11/17/20 blog entry  for a chapter sample) 

Available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 N.E. 20th or online through this blog page. If you would like to purchase online, you will need to go to the WEB VERSION of this page, at www.soberlongtime.com  to view the link to PayPal or Credit Card option.   Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com if you’d like more information. (my apologies, but with the link, you can only order 1 workbook at a time). ( I offer a price break for locals who can pick up their copy - $15)