Changes

 As I walked into the restaurant to meet the school friend I hadn't seen in fifty years, she came up to me with a big hug, saying, "Oh, now I know who you are! I couldn't place you at first." Seriously? You don't remember me? As we sat down with the other friend I see regularly, I said I was surprised that she didn't know who I was, since I have very distinct memories of events that occurred during our somewhat brief, but intense friendship.  

It was nice to share common and separate memories from back in the day, but what I'm left with is the humbling realization that I am only the star of my own show, and an understanding of how time and distance can inflate some memories and erase others. I am a connector, an archivist, a reflect-er, a journaler. As I sit at my desk, I am surrounded by evidence of my life - photos of people long gone, one of my cousin and I at age 9 and 10 (such a fun age), and me a few days before going to treatment, along with medals from marathons and shelves of books. In this room at least, memories are palpable. I am never too far from my history, living in the general vicinity of where I grew up, seeing friends I've known since I was a kid. It works for me - fits who I am, though I would be less surprised by understanding not everyone shares the same perspectives (though I do know at least five local people who live in the homes they grew up in).

I often see posts, or hear people in my age range say, "This isn't the town I grew up in," bemoaning changes, usually negative related to traffic, the houseless population, favorite haunts gone. So, this isn't the town I grew up in, but should it be? If the only thing constant is change, then why are we so surprised when things are different? There have been a lot of changes to my city, both physical and philosophical, some positive, some not, and... roses bloom every spring.

I heard someone once say, "If nobody died, we'd have run out of room a long time ago." A good reminder, and as a grasping human, I get attached to people, places and things, as well as ideas about myself and the world around me, which can lead to frustration and a bout of "what if?" and "I remember when," along with concerns about rapid technological advances that are far beyond my understanding. Nothing wrong with reminiscing, probably prudent to view Artificial Intelligence with concern, and it is 2023, and here I am in it.

In my monthly Step group, we're encouraged to identify an old idea, via the first 5 Steps, to release and replace with a new idea to strive for during the rest of the year. It could very well be not seeing the forest for the trees, but I often struggle with recognizing an old idea that gets in the way of my usefulness. I do see my character aspects (thank you PB) as being on a continuum from helpful to benign to harmful. Where I am on that continuum depends a great deal on the HALTS. Trying to ignore my need for rest or healthy nutrition can definitely send the dial to the more negative end of the scale.

So, self-care, self-care, self-care, which includes detaching from drama related to the evening news,  and whatever personal story I may be telling myself on any given day. That part is easier the longer I'm sober (and alive), though it can be a balancing act between being informed and not living in outrage or depression (the news) and/or stepping back a few feet from my busy brain. Simpler when I stay connected to program, one day at a time.

With time and distance, most of the memories that come up for me have moved to the category of comforting. How about yours? How do you embrace change, especially when you can't see around the next corner? How are your HALTS today?

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See the Jan 13, 2023 post for a sample of the "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" workbook with 78 pages of topics, member's views, and processing questions. Available in PDF format ($12.95) for those of you outside the US (or who prefer that format) or hardcopy ($19.95 mailed to you. Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions.  You can order from the WEB VERSION of this page, payment link on top right. Note that the workbook is also available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th