Loss

 As I may have mentioned, I don't have too many original ideas. Maybe new insights, but as far as ideas, I rely on you - in meetings, conversations, emails, or something I read. For example, this week I heard in a meeting that if I can only see two solutions to an issue, I'm not letting go. There could be three or fourteen options, but when I'm stuck in the bondage of self, I only see what I see. So, thank you readers and fellow travelers, for your emails, conversations, and shares. It is a "we" program, and I'm definitely feeling that these days.

 And what an adventure! To be alive for the whole of it is something I would've missed were I stuck in the bottle and the bag, if I was still breathing. Every once in a while, I'll see a boozy old broad, in line at the grocery store, or ordering another glass of wine at some event, thinking, "That could've been me." I notice when the person sitting near me starts out quiet and gets louder and louder as the drinks add up. That would've been me, thinking I was cute or thinking I was funny, or if I was lucky with exactly the right mix of substances, wouldn't be thinking at all. Grateful for the ongoing miracle of recovery.

I had a disconcerting experience this week attending what was billed as a memorial gathering for my mother's cousin, the day after what would've been her 94th birthday. I say disconcerting because it felt more like a cocktail party than a celebration of life in that no formal words were spoken about the loss, or about her long and interesting life. Was that because of what I correctly or incorrectly perceived as a rift between the adult children? Was it because, besides the three offspring, there were only three of us cousins directly descended from the lineage that ended with her death? (The remaining attendees were grandkids, mostly in their 20's, and staff and residents from the care facility). And maybe it's because that's what she wanted! Whatever the reason(s), the day felt incomplete, the mourning ritual unfulfilled, save two brief conversations about her importance in my and my mother's lives.

Should I have taken the lead and spoken up, as in, tapped a glass to get folks' attention and carried on, with or without the direct family's approval? That didn't feel quite right, so instead, I said my own prayer to the woman's memory, and the connected memories of my mother. I shared my disquiet with a friend, letting the tears arise. And, am doing my best to simply let it go. I don't know the adult children well enough to voice my protest, and even if I did, what would be the point? They are Christmas card relatives at best, and I don't see that changing going forward. Our mothers truly were our only connection.

This all has me thinking about family and norms, communication and lack thereof, as well as individual beliefs and practices around death. It has me thinking about community, as well as the importance of making my needs and wants known for these big life (and death) situations. We in 12 Step recovery do know how to throw a memorial. Kind of like Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer, I'd like to be present for mine, though have sometimes thought that our anniversary meeting tributes fill that bill. I will say that my parents did my brother and me a huge favor when they prepaid their funeral expenses back in 1975. We used Dad's too soon, in 1980, but it sure made a difference, cost-wise and emotionally, in 2012 when all I had to do was show up at the funeral home with a piece of paper for Mom's.

The weekend also has me thinking about the importance of ritual and ceremony. My father was adamant that we not have any kind of service when he died. We kept our word, but in hindsight, I wish we hadn't. Funerals/memorials/celebrations are for the living, not for the dead - a rite of passage that can leave a wound, an empty space, if not practiced. Friends and co-workers of Dad's voiced their longing to show how much he'd meant to them, and I floundered for a few years, not knowing what to do with my emotions. This was before Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and the hospice movement, so the culture didn't have language for what I/we were feeling. The experience, or lack thereof, lead me to the Senior Project for my bachelor's degree on death and dying in American culture. It also lead me to showing up differently (sober) for my mother's end of life journey.

It is you, in AA and Alanon, who've taught me how to grieve, who've taught me the importance of feeling my feelings in the moment, because the more I try to stuff them and "carry on," the more likely they'll come out sideways somewhere down the road. Loss hurts, whether it is a death, the ending of a relationship or job, moving, a pet's death, etc etc etc. It was someone in a meeting who told me that anniversaries of loss might trigger uneasy feelings, even if I wasn't conscious of the date. It was someone else who suggested doing ritual when moving, going from room to room to note and thank all that happened there. You taught me that losing a pet can feel more acute than humans sometimes, and that even if something good is on its way, change involves loss.

And so, the beat goes on, until it doesn't. Seasons change, people change, I change. Finding equilibrium in the midst of it is where program tools come in. (I say "program tools," when in reality, the principles of the program are simply my way of life). Which will I utilize today? An inventory? Maybe the "god box" or a slogan? Perhaps I'll pick up the phone, or otherwise connect with a trusted other. And maybe I'll simply sit still and breathe.

What changes are happening in your life? How can you honor the both the passage/journey and your feelings? What program tools have you used in the past that might be helpful today?

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See the Jan 13, 2023 post for a sample of the "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" workbook with 78 pages of topics, member's views, and processing questions. Available in PDF format ($12.95) for those of you outside the US (or who prefer that format) or hardcopy ($19.95 mailed to you. Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions.  You can order from the WEB VERSION of this page, payment link on top right. Note that the workbook is also available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th