My sister-in-law moved into adult foster care this week - one of those family homes converted to house four or five people with various needs. My brother and his adult stepdaughter had been talking about this move as the dementia progressed - they met with the facilitator, talked with the necessary people, and with an unexpected opening (vs a long wait list), made the move. He isn't supposed to have any contact for a time period, to help his wife settle in, though he says sometimes she didn't know that she lived in their home. Such a very sad thing - for her, most definitely, but also for him, now suddenly living alone for the first time in over 40 years. This life and where it takes us is so very unpredictable.
And then, we spent a few days in the Bay Area, celebrating my husband's stepfather turning 94, physically frail, but mentally sharp. This life and where it takes us is so very unpredictable.
We also got to connect with program friends - a friend from my husband's old days, and from our before-times meetings, both in SF and in Oakland, hitting great meetings both places. I so appreciate how we come together, in person, in zoom, and in person again. (I got a hug from a friend I've only every known on zoom - what a treat!) Again, where life takes us can be unpredictable - who knew, pre and post zoom, that we'd have built a community 600 miles away from home - the beauty of our fellowship.
I need to remember the unpredictability of life, not just when crisis hits, but "on the daily." That doesn't mean walking on thin ice, waiting for the other shoe to drop (which is where I've spent too much time) but rather, seeking that place of gratitude for one more day, for my loved ones, for the ability to walk up and down stairs, read a book, cook a healthy meal.
A long-timer recently used a phrase that used to irk me to no end: "You're right where you're supposed to be." Dear god that used to annoy me, thinking, like many newcomers, that my situation was unique. In retrospect, though, it was also reassuring to know that what I was feeling at 30, 60, 90 days, a year, 18 months, etc didn't mean I was crazy, and that others had been on the same roller coaster and survived.
I can apply "You're right where you're supposed to be" to today as well as well as the early years Right where I'm supposed to be as I've acclimated to retired life, hitting another trip-around-the-sun birthday this week, paying attention to what makes my heart sing, enjoying a routine that works for me. "You're right where you're supposed to be" can mean being flexible, relaxing into the reality that what worked at 10, 20 or even 30 years sober isn't necessarily what is needed today. People often say, "Portland has changed!" Well, cities are supposed to change. People change. What fills my spirit changes. Everything changes, and getting comfortable with that is the whole point of growing older (in sobriety, or simply in general).
And, some changes are definitely harder than others. I had a good talk with my sometimes-curmudgeon brother, who noted that he's felt a bit teary. Of course you do! Your partner of 40+ years is fading away with cognitive decline. You are living alone for the first time in your adult life. You are not the most social of beings to begin with. Things go bump in the night that you hope is the cat but aren't sure at 3am. Of course you are teary. I can't fix this, but I can show up. He's not mushy, but I am, and the good news is that I like him. More will be revealed, but today, I will sit with acceptance and love, hoping for a smooth transition for both him and his wife.
How do you roll with the punches when life-on-life's-terms hits unexpectedly? What does "You're right where you're supposed to be?" mean at this stage of your recovery?
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See the Jan 13, 2023 post for a sample of the "I've Been Sober a Long Time - Now What?" workbook with 78 pages of topics, member's views, and processing questions. Available in PDF format ($12.95) for those of you outside the US (or who prefer that format) or hardcopy ($19.95 mailed to you. Email me at shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. You can order from the WEB VERSION of this page, payment link on top right. Note that the workbook is also available at Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th
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