Learning...

 As I mentioned last week, my husband and I drove to Seattle to hear an artist I've listened to since the mid 1980's. It was a great show, though I must admit to some bittersweet memories of a time that was both light and very dark in my history (the couple of years right before getting in to recovery). Today I can be grateful for the whole of it. As a meeting I used to attend had on the wall - I had to go where I went and do what I did to get to where I am today. Indeed.

Our visit with my old classmate was delightful - nice people that we hope to stay connected to when they move back to Portland. Something struck me, though, in our conversation. She and I were in the same "home room" in 7th and 8th grade, with a teacher that I found strict and borderline mean. My friend had a very different experience, telling me she went back to the school after college to thank this instructor for teaching her to write, which brought her success in university classes. Wow, I thought to myself. That was not my experience. Or maybe it was.

I've since been thinking about my school years. What exactly did I learn? When I think about 7th or 8th grade, I remember getting in trouble for eating candy in class, and talking about the previous night's TV show we all would've watched (Laugh-In, the Monkees). I remember the math teacher whapping me in the head with a textbook for acting out. I remember the talking-to about my "potential" and my choice of companions. I remember wishing I had nicer clothes.

I do remember our 5th grade teacher reading us Charlotte's Web, and the excitement of getting new books when the school-age book club orders came in. I remember my first male teacher in 6th grade, teaching from the newspaper, with Viet Nam and unrest in Indonesia as topics. I must've picked up basic sentence structure along the way, though I still don't know an adverb from a preposition. I do remember some practicalities, like in Home Ec being taught "Never measure spices over the dish you'll be adding them to" in case you spill.  I must've absorbed more than I recall, coming away from my school experience with a rudimentary knowledge of civics, a few words in Spanish, and a memorized quote from A Midsummer's Night Dream. I do not recall any bond with specific teachers, or memory of "this is where I learned that." My school years, in retrospect, were spent in the twisted, self-absorbed socialization process of "Will they like me?" "Am I OK?" "I feel so very awkward!" or "Who's selling joints?"

Does it matter at this point, where I learned what? Probably not, though an interesting illustration (again and again) of how my experience is colored by my focus. And in stark contrast, I remember very well where I heard recovery lessons, though the learning of said lessons has often taken years. Maybe it's the simplicity (Stick with the winners!) or the repetition (Keep coming back!) along with finally knowing it is ok to not know something and ask for help.

I'd had a brunch date at the coast planned with a friend this week, with a last-minute cancellation. I wrestled just a bit with how to spend this now "free" day, a momentary battle between the want-to (ocean!) and "should" (housecleaning!). As a friend pointed out, it is ok to follow my heart, and my heart wanted to dig my toes in the sand. Sometimes responsibility wins out, and sometimes I stretch out on the beach, lulled by the crashing surf as my attempt at meditation turns into a nap.

What are your prominent memories of school days? What did you learn, in class and in the "school of life?" Where are you with "should's" and "want-to's" today? What is your heart telling you?

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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.