I walk in the neighborhood most mornings, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, sometimes squeezing in the miles before a time-sensitive day. What I've attempted to do this week, when I catch myself in what a sponsor calls my "top two inches," is to bring myself back to the here and now, the pavement, the cool of the morning on my skin.
As I walked towards week's end, I did a mental gratitude list: an unlocked porta-potty (yes!), a teen on his way to school who gave a nod to my "good morning," parents with tiny children in strollers, end-of-summer blooms... Several times I had to lasso my brain back to the present. How easy for me to slip into planning mode - cooking dinner or when to grocery shop, the ever-present To-Do list, a conversation I coulda, woulda, shoulda, or might yet have, one of my frequent jaunts down memory lane (aided and abetted by my often walking past points from my past - there is a quiet joy to aging where I grew up, and for a melancholic like myself, sometimes a slippery slope).
Gratitude lists have been referred to as a spiritual elevator. When I take the few seconds to do a reality check, what I might complain about are really mere inconveniences. Years ago now, I wrote in my journal all the things that annoyed me - my 14-year-old stepdaughter wasn't attentive in the way I thought she should be, nor was her father; I hated my job; neighbors were in my parking spot, blah blah blah. You know what's coming next - a couple of weeks later, I wrote a gratitude list, and every single thing I complained about was on it: my stepdaughter was so very sweet, as was/is her dad, I loved my job and have great neighbors. Classic, right? Again, and always, perception. Perception and a dose of the HALTS. I really do like you a lot better when I've had lunch, and enough sleep.
I did a brief radio interview a couple of weeks ago about my volunteer gig with the American Cancer Society, driving patients to their treatment when they have no other way there (other than paid rides). The radio person asked if, when hearing about people's diagnosis or prognosis, did I feel grateful that I'm healthy. Well, of course, but that's not really the point, though like in an AA meeting, hearing other's stories can be both a wakeup call, or, yes, a trigger for gratitude. But that's not why I do it. That's not why we recovery people are of service, or go to meetings, In fact, false comparison was one of the things that made me question giving up the drink - I wasn't as bad as him, or her, or them now was I? No, I think being of service is more about expressing gratitude for life in a tangible manner, a way to give back, to acknowledge that we're all in this together and sometimes I can offer a helping hand, whether in a meeting or in the wider world, and I don't need to think too hard about it. I'm not the type of person who over-gives as a way to feel good about myself. What I do is pay attention to what and who is drawing my attention, and if that attention fits with my intentions. One day at a time, one choice at a time.
We've registered for the AA International Convention in Vancouver BC next July. I've been to every one since getting sober, starting in Seattle in 1990, and so sorry that Detroit was cancelled in 2020 (though we did visit Intergroup there, when on a family visit). Big crowds can be a bit more jarring now than when I was 35, but I love seeing us come together from every corner of the world. AA is nearly 90 years old - I'm forever grateful to the forces for good that came together on that fateful day in Akron.
And so, beautiful September of cool mornings and leaves just beginning to turn, of ripening tomatoes and longer nights, let me be present to the moments as they unfurl.
When you catch your mind out ahead of your feet (or your seat), how do you bring yourself back to the here and now? Is the Gratitude List a part of your repertoire? What are various ways you are of service, in or out of the program? What, or who, is drawing your attention this week?
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The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.
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