HALTS

 I've long said that self-care is the core of my recovery. The old-timers knew what they were talking about when they said I'd be better able to fight off any urges if I'd had enough rest, eaten something healthy, wasn't pissed off at anyone, and spent time in fellowship, however that might look. 

Attention to the HALTS is still incredibly important to my serenity. I can feel totally off kilter, only to realize that instead of leaving the country on a motorcycle, I simply need a nap. Sleep is one of the final frontiers for me - I nearly always feel like I could use another hour. 

It struck me that while the standard hungry, angry, lonely, tired still fits, sometime "H" hungry can also be hungry for intellectual stimulation, for stellar conversations, for feeling like what I do matters, hungry for either adventure or a comforting routine when life feels wacky. Same with " T" tired. In addition to that nap, I can be tired of myself, as in the same old characteristics grabbing me by the ankle again and again. I can be tired of the same routine that is a blessing on other days, or most definitely tired of doom and gloom on the nightly news. 

Anger has never been a prime emotion for me. I had to learn to express anger vs the "Oh, that's ok..." syndrome. These days I'm mostly angry at systems - electric rates going up again, health care disparities, hunger in the so-called "greatest" country, wars and famines and on and on. And....free floating, or even targeted anger does little good unless it is a motivator for positive action. The old, "Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?" question. What can I do today? I can't will the electric company to lower costs, but I can register my complaint with the regulating body, and turn down the lights. Little impact, I'm sure, but it can feel good to do something and not just piss and moan.

And lonely, which can still sometimes be confusing for this introvert - welcome solitude or loneliness, the continuum. Again and again, for me it's the need for balance - sometimes time with friends or a crowd of people, or alone with a cup of tea. 

And so this is Christmas, the first day of Hanukkah, and 4 days past the winter solstice, as well as a week away from the new year. I'm grateful for a small family with no drama, and good friends to share in the holiday cheer. After a couple of gatherings here, it is nice to get our living space back in order, with serving dishes back on the shelf and folding chairs in the closet. I appreciate tradition, along with ongoing evaluation of what feels right and what can go away, along with looking forward to the perceived fresh start with the new calendar just ahead. Christmas of 1985 was a very dark day as I prepared to go to treatment. I don't recall her exact words, but at my mother's on Christmas Eve, my favorite aunt said something to the effect of "This better work - go and take care of yourself," while a few weeks earlier, a cousin asked that I let him know how it goes, since he might need it too (he got sober a few years later, after burning his life to the ground). 

Christmas time can be complicated for us alcoholics - for me anyway, as I enjoy gathering with friends and mourn those no longer here. With these years now of practice, I'm better able to go with the flow - acknowledging the inevitable sadness that comes up as well as relaxing into the joys. And always, always, gratitude for this sober life.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah or whatever it is you do or don't celebrate this time of year. Thank you for coming along for the ride. What are the traditions that feed you and what might you want to release? How do the various incarnations of HALT show up in your life today? Are you able to make time to listen to your heart?

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Might it be time for a year-end inventory or planning for the new year?

The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or those who prefer it, or a hard copy mailed to you). Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. And a reminder that the workbook, is available at the Portland Area Intergroup at 825 NE 20th. for local folks.