My first husband's sister was in my pre-waking dream last Friday. We chatted, and I asked if she knew her brother had died. Yes, she knew - obviously - and I remembered that she was gone too. As she started to walk away, I called her back and asked that she say "hello" to my mom and dad, and tell them I loved them.
I got myself up and out on a rainy morning, and when I walked into my 7am Alanon group, with the church hall set up for a function, my dad's name was among the placards at various place settings. Guess where I sat?
My "god shots" aren't always so blatant, and they don't seem to come as often as in early sobriety when even the sun coming up in the morning felt like a message from the cosmos. Maybe it's because life got more complicated the longer I was sober, with work and home and blah, blah, blah. Maybe it's because I allow my brain to stay busy, processing one emotion or another, planning this task or that. What I know today is that I've been in a place where the door to grieving has been open and these two signs are reminders that my departed loved ones really are near, as long as I pause to remember.
My brother has been calling frequently, and where before I might've let it go to voice mail if I was in a zoom meeting or otherwise engaged, I now pick up. He's usually just got a little observation or funny thing from his day to share and that's just fine. He's one of the only people I know who doesn't have a cell phone, so it's not like he can text somebody to say "hey" so I will answer my phone, and share my own little observations or funny thing from the day as he adjusts to life as a widower. The good news is that I like him and we get along well. I know that's a gift not everyone enjoys with their siblings.
That meeting on Friday was on the topic of grieving, and boy howdy, do we AA's and Alanons know a thing or two about grief. Our departed loved ones, yes, but also the loss of a dream for ourselves or others, dear pets, who are family members in their own right, losses related to health. One person shared about feeling grief as they get close to their quit date for retirement. I was able to share my process with them after the meeting, how I wrote an employment inventory of sorts, and sent thank you cards to several past supervisors. And in the woo-woo department, how I ran into the couple who gave me the first job in my field, having not seen them for 20 years. Kind of like with the amends process, people show up when it's time (in real life or in my dreams).
I'm making an effort to get re-established at my long-ago home group, attending most weeks and raising my hand to share. It's one of those meetings where they turn down the lights after the readings. It would be very easy to sit in the dark in the back row, greeting the people on either side, out of eyesight of the chair person. And, it's a process. Newcomers rightly get a fair amount of attention, and sometimes the person with time who's just moved to town (though I consistently hear those folks have to make a concerted effort to connect). But the old timer who sits quietly, who knows maybe one or two in the room? It's up to me to reach out, to "grow or go," to join the small throng shaking hands with the new person. I have signed up to chair for my anniversary... and I'll keep coming back.
How does synchronicity reach you today? How do you, or will you, make space for the still, small voice, especially in what can feel like a busy time of year? Who might benefit from your reaching out to them, just to say "hello"?
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Time for a year end inventory? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a booth
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