Learning...

 Just when I start to think that no one is reading these posts, why do I bother, who cares anyway, someone reaches out to say that my words that week mattered. Truthfully, I do this blog as much for me as for the sober public, but it is good to know that I'm not merely blowing in the wind. I know that a blog is somewhat old-school, but I'm a reader, not a podcast person, so this is my venue - for today at least.

The person's comments caused me to think about all the words and bits of program I carry with me, some from members who shared maybe decades ago: It's not the "yet's" that scare me, but the "again's"; If things were supposed to be any other way, they'd be different;  Instead of reaching for a drink, I reached for the phone; Will power will not keep you sober, but want power will. And maybe most important at the time, the old guy who remembered my name and welcomed me when I came to the nooner a second time.

We just never know how our experience can benefit others, whether sharing our good fortune or the painful bits. It was hearing someone say that she drank when her mother died that solidified my intention to stick extra close to the program while my mom was ill. It was a speaker saying that listening is a much a part of the program as sharing our story that helped me release the idea that I had to perform or be brilliant when I shared, that it was ok to sit quietly in the corner. I learn from the people who keep showing up as well as those who wander away, those who share their successes as well as their failures - in other words, from all of it, including the person who goes on and on, or the one I look forward to hearing. 

And that's why I keep coming back - for our individual human drama,  the comedy, the truth that is stranger than fiction. I don't get that level of reality elsewhere - maybe in bits and pieces, but not in such as way as in program where it is our express purpose to share, freely and openly. That used to make me cringe, this baring of one's soul. Cringe but also weep with recognition. Oh yes, I've felt that way too, but didn't have the words to express myself. Thank you AA and Alanon, for expanding my emotional vocabulary.

And thank you for the "more will be revealed" aspect of our programs that can still surprise me, decades into sobriety. As part of an amends process for long ago hurts, a friend shared compassion for her younger self - her younger, intoxicated, unskilled self who made poor decisions that impacted others. As she spoke, it hit me that I've been holding my younger (intoxicated, unskilled) self to today's standards. In so many ways I've forgiven myself, and had extended living amends to both of the people where I do regret the past, and... there is a level of maudlin regret that is a component of my grief. Instead of the self-flagellation I sometimes do when I think about the individuals and the pain I caused, might I instead move to gratitude for lessons learned, and the relationship repair that occurred over time? As with so much of our program, it's about perspective, even the slightest shift. There is a sticky note here on my computer, asking "What else might be true?" I can apply that to a judgement/fear that comes up today and to my sometimes skewed view of the past. 

What is true is that my history contains episodes of joy as well as pain. Even in relationships where I acted out, there was fun and laughter, love and connection.  I got in trouble at school, and earned good grades; I was a stellar employee and called in with the "Monday flu" more times than I'd like to admit. Step 7 references "all of me, good and bad." I might restate that to skilled and unskilled, selfish and selfless, unconscious and awake. However I frame it, we're talking about the whole ball of wax. I haven't yet earned my halo - thank goodness. How boring would that be? 

What program nuggets of wisdom do you carry with you? What keeps you coming back, whether to meetings, the literature, or your own spiritual practice? Have you forgiven yourself for past actions, accepting that the past cannot be changed? If not, how can you broaden your view to see the whole picture, the positive and not so much?

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Time for a new year inventory?   The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table.