A meeting this week om the topic of Steps 4/5 evolved into discussion of secrets. and the gratitude of living in such a way that I/we don't need to lie anymore. In talking about childhood, several spoke of family secrets. I don't exactly relate to that. Dad was alcoholic, as was my uncle (and several others) but Mom and his sister talked about it fairly openly and I came to understand it as a sickness, though didn't really understand what that meant. Rather than a secret, I just think that we (me, cousins, close friends) didn't have language to talk about what went on at home. I knew my uncle could be violent and my dad was sad, but emotional maturity and vocabulary would come much later.
Of course I lied as a kid, all the time. I wasn't about to tell Mom about the shoplifting or sneaking out, talking too much in class or in trouble for eating candy when I wasn't supposed to. If I'd had the words, maybe I could've said I felt stifled by the quiet at home, the somber mood with Dad's depression, and that stealing and running around and later drinking made me feel alive. Instead, I fibbed to her, and talked with friends about the TV show we'd just watched, or the cousin's older brothers' cute friends. Honestly talking about how I felt came later, with a few drinks, and even then I was more or less guessing - taking a stab at what I thought was right.
In Speaking of Faith, by Krista Tippett, this journalist and theology student writes about her participation, at a spirituality based institute, sitting around a table with strangers, talking about their truths, and the beauty in sharing honestly and in detail about feelings and spiritual longings. Anyone in 12 Step would say, "Well duh!" That's what can happen for us in the sacred circle, the imaginary campfire, where we can access our innermost thoughts. Not every time in every meeting of course, but there are times when the room almost levitates with the poignancy of our collective heart-speak. It's like dominoes, with one sharing opening the door for another. Sometimes meeting shares are one's spiel, the pitch, but sometimes I hear the cosmic exhale of capital "T" truth, the truth that brings tears to my eyes whether I directly relate to the topic or not. Being real continues to feel immense.
I've seen my ism's at work this week with a change of plans for a trip planned later this spring. A couple of people have dropped out, which has me re-thinking my plan, which had me in a bit of a frenzy with "Do something NOW!" before I had all the facts. I am, sometimes quickly, usually slowly, learning to pause and gather information before taking action. By the end of the day's texts, one of the remaining travelers suggested that I do this instead of that, resulting in my "Oh yeah - that's a great idea!" Because I'd waited before acting, I didn't have to try to undo an impulsive decision. Funny how that works.
I can trace that "do it now!" impulse back to growing up with alcoholism - the fear of missing out if the parents change their mind. Related to the family illness or not, I am still not very comfortable with ambiguity, though time and experience has, time and time again, showed me that all will be well, that all is well. And the best piece of advice I've ever received - if it's a good idea today, it will be a good idea tomorrow. Indeed.
What secrets did you keep, as a child or a practicing alcoholic? Have you been able to share those with a sponsor or trusted other? Where do your ism''s show up these days? Are you able to take a step back to recognize when you're about to act on an old idea?
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Time for a new year inventory? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table
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