In-between

 I'm thinking this week about the in-between, the liminal state, the process of letting go of a way of being, whether the new way is defined or not. I'm thinking about my friend, now out of the hospital but with a ways to go before back to full health. I'm thinking of my spouse, on the verge of choosing a retirement date, and another good friend who is looking for work that fits this stage of their life and longings. My cousins' elderly father just passed, which if anything like my mother's dying, has them letting go of Dad-Alive to Dad-Gone. I'm thinking of a friend who is hanging on to the idea that they can control and enjoy their drinking while failing miserably (I said, "I hate to be the one to break it to you, but if you are alcoholic, there's no "every once in awhile.") I'm also thinking of a friend who is in the process of a major life decision, now wondering if they are truly being called to a new life or are in massive self-will

And what about me? I seem to be in a state of defining and redefining what it means to be retired, what it means to decide how I'll spend my days and how that shifts and changes, as well as the "should's" that are never quite quiet enough to ignore. Where shall I direct my energy and attention today? How will I balance active and passive pursuits? Where will I find balance between home and hearth and time with friends? And, more importantly, maybe there isn't really an "in-between." Maybe life is life, one day at a time, whether I'm on solid footing or not. Maybe I can choose to grow rather than being pushed by circumstance.

We just spent a few days with my husband's family in San Francisco - always a joy to witness the full spectrum of life - the little ones growing up before our eyes with the patriarch and matriarch at the other end, and us, feeling creakier walking those SF hills with each visit. A highlight of the trip, for me, was our All AA All Day fellowship infusion, with our early morning meeting and coffee after, a drive across the Bay for lunch with a good friend and another meeting, and back to the house in time to join our biweekly fellowship group online. I love how our meetings are the same, yet very different wherever we are. It's especially fun to get real-life hugs from folks I generally just see online. I wish I had words adequate to describe how I feel about AA to the friend who resists, the "I hope you hear something that makes you want to come back" without preaching. Attraction, not promotion can be tough, especially when it's someone I care about. 

As much as I love to travel, I really love coming home. It seems like even a brief break from the usual routines makes them all the sweeter - the same things that were kind of boring become endearing, whether a quiet cup of tea early in the morning or watching Jeopardy. Our two cats have been right outside the bedroom door each morning since we've returned. Did they do that while we were gone, waiting for the door to open and it never did? Very fortunate that my brother feeds them, though they haven't yet come out from under the couch (or wherever it is they hide) to officially thank him. 

And so, the beat goes on, sometimes predictably, sometimes not. My task, always, is to be in this moment - not thinking about last week's conversation or next week's calendar. I am a planner, but as I was taught years ago, the results are not up to me. 

What has your attention this week? Are there places where you see that your experience can benefit others? How about places where it is better that you remain silent? What does "home" mean to you today? Is it a place, or a state of mind? How do you carry the message of hope and recovery, directly or indirectly?

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There's still time for a new year inventory. The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table