In the very early morning hours at the Rome airport, waiting for my flights home to begin, I watched a pigeon soaring through the concourse, seeming to do a loop and then back again. I hope she found her way out. Watching her follow the same path made me think of our recovery saying about doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Are there places I still keep trying what doesn't work, like trying to run the show or thinking I know best for someone else? Always a good point to ponder when I feel myself bumping up against a person, place, thing or situation.
While I was away, a friend asked if I was disconnecting from social media or contact with home in order to meditate while I walked. Not really.... I enjoy posting photos of my days (as I like to follow friends on their journeys), and kept in touch with my husband and a few friends. I remember the days of buying postcards on Day One, searching for stamps and a post office for mailing in the hopes the card would get to the sendee before I got home, along with buying a specific type of card in order to make a payphone call home. These days, other than accounting for the time difference, I can stay in daily contact if I so desire, which can be reassuring as a reminder that yes, I am connected to my life at home, and helpful for my spouse to know I'm getting along fine..
Last year's Camino walk was a celebration - of turning 70 and marking my 40th year of sobriety. This year's trek, shorter though definitely a challenge with very steep hills, was more of an adventure. Members of our group of 12, five of whom I'd met last year, ranged in age from 39 to 80, from novices to experienced trekkers. I appreciated the silent stretches along the way as well as the miles of intense conversation (family, politics, health)., and cheering on those who'd doubted their abilities. Will I do it again, with this particular goal and group? Hard to say. I've found that I do like walking through the countryside with stops along the way. More will be revealed, but for today I'm very happy to be home.
The recent Time magazine had an article describing how people talk less than we used to - we text rather than call, work from home, use the self-check out line at the grocery store, and I'll add my pet peeve - don't say "hello" back when greeted on the street. The article notes a study that measured an average of 120,000 fewer words spoken per year (16,600 words per day in 2005 compared to below 12,00 in 2019) and the personal and social consequences when we don't interact. (Even small talk with strangers was noted as important.) One more reason I'm grateful for our 12-Step programs, where talking is part of what we do - a community of like-minded others where we share what is on our minds or hearts.
It's been damp here in the Pacific Northwest as I acclimate back to home, allowing low-energy jet lag to guide my plans. Life goes on, and I can heed the inner voice that whispers, "Relax." To that end, I had a massage this week, in the building that used to house our family doctor while I was growing up. I saw our General Practitioner from about age 8 to 32, through many of my life's pivotal moments. I had pneumonia when I was 13, afraid he'd be able to tell that I'd started smoking. I distinctly remember him telling me, in 1980, that quitting smoking was the best decision I'd made, and then referring me to a counselor as I wept in his office after my dad died. A few years later, before a female-related procedure, I elected to tell him about my methamphetamine use, in case I'd need more anesthesia than normal. And then again, him praising my decision to get clean and sober in1986. He was something of a father-figure, a good guy, a holistic practitioner, and in a slightly removed way, a part of my story. (like the pharmacist that refused to sell me syringes, or that counselor who said she couldn't see me anymore unless I quit using.)
And, the beat goes on. I heard a 5th Step a few weeks ago, and this week, Steps 6 & 7. Such an honor to be trusted, and to be trustworthy. I'm working through the Steps with another sponsee, and with my own sponsor. As someone recently remarked, the Steps have become integrated into who I am and how I approach the world. "The road gets narrower," for me, simply means that I don't have to think too hard anymore about the right thing to do.
Are there areas where you engage in the same way, expecting different results? How can you detach from those old habits? Where, or how, do you feed your need for social connection? Are there people from your past who, while perhaps not directly impacted by your drinking or using, were a part of your story? How has practice of the Steps become more automatic as time goes on?
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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table
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