One of my fellow walkers in Italy is a therapist. When she remarked that I didn't look my age, I half in jest asked her if age dysmorphia is a thing. It is. I looked it up when I got home, reading about the Peter Pan syndrome, as well as the general feeling of disconnect between one's internal sense and chronological age, whether that's feeling older or younger than what the calendar says. What I often go back to is, "What am I supposed to feel like?" I once read that while our bodies change over time, our inner self doesn't (though I hope I've matured!), so it makes sense that the reality of X number of birthdays doesn't always match how I feel. I have a poster from the 2014 Portland Marathon that I ran (& walked) in honor of my 60th birthday. As I dusted it off this week, it hit me strangely that the event was now over 10 years ago, a decade. Kind of like hitting 40 years sobriety - how did that happen? Yeah, yeah, I know - one day at a time.
And, one day at a time, I settle back into the current time zone, plant in the garden (inspired by the lovely flowers in Tuscany), eat salads for dinner, connect with my various meetings. This week contains Step work - my own and a sponsee's; Two for them and Ten for me. I have two active sponsees at the moment (and another "as needed") and each, in their own way, challenge me to look at how I apply the principles of the program. Participating in another's journey provides the impetus to go deeper myself - not in the hope of staying ahead of them (like might've motivated me in early recovery) but as a gentle trigger to ask myself, "How am I living the Steps today?"
I had lunch with two friends from early recovery on Monday, reminiscing about the crazy fun when we were 30-40 years younger - dances, parties, potlucks galore, when the excitement of sobriety translated into travelling in packs, making up for lost time, marveling at our new lives. And now, we are old women - two of us in meetings, one who stopped years ago; two who live here, one who's left the country, grand kids getting married (wait, wasn't she just a tiny girl?), joint replacements, life on life's terms. I'm coming to a place of being able to appreciate past connections without mourning the losses. None of us are 35 and single anymore. It makes perfect sense that our lives moved on, sometimes one step back and two forward, sometimes hand-in-hand and sometimes off on our own paths. I'm forever grateful to have connected with people who were serious about sobriety, serious and full of fun. Stupid, boring and glum? Hardly
Speaking of time marching on, I ran into a pal of an ex's at the grocery store. He and the ex have started running again, after several years off due to various injuries. It seems like whenever I see people out and about, the conversation invariably goes towards, "Where on earth did the years go?" Where, indeed. A few friends are working and several retired with a few more looking for work, And those of us who are retired are questioning what we thought we'd be doing in our so-called golden years. My house isn't spotless, and I haven't written another novel. How do I think about that? Am I lazy, self-indulgent with my walking events and coffee dates, meetings and Step work? Or maybe, what I thought at one time simply doesn't fit today. In my younger years and the workaday world, there were timelines and aspirations, places to go and people to see. Today seems more about (finally) living in the moment. I don't think there will be a test at the end - "Oh, you never read War and Peace? Tsk tsk". Any "test" would be in my own heart. Did I live my values? Was I kind to others? Did I follow my dreams?
How do you feel about your physical age? Does it harmonize with your internal sense of who you are? If you sponsor, how does that relationship inform your own program? How do you honor and appreciate past friendships without drifting into "What if?" land, or "I wish it were different?" If there is a test at the end, what questions would your heart ask?
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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table
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