Freedom

A recent meeting focused on the topic of freedom - all the freedoms we gain by putting down the bottle and the bag (and efforts to control other people - that's a tough one!). I've long thought of it as freedom from the insanity of the disease - the hangovers, driving drunk, making decisions based on the next drink - as well as freedom to explore what I might want to do in the world, like go to school, throw a sober party, go for a hike... At first that freedom felt expansive - the whole world had opened up and so much of it felt new and exciting as I left the basement meth lab for road trips and sober dances and into-the-night conversations about this way of life. These days, freedom is definitely one of my values and what I appreciate, and it is quieter, gentler. Today I value the freedom to say "no" to some requests and "yes" to others. I value the freedom and privilege of reasonably good health  and living within my means, the freedom of choice in many areas, big and small. 

And as I recently heard others say, freedom emanates from our design for living. With the Steps as my guide, I don't need to question every single decision. Not always automatically, but the signposts are there. It's only in hindsight I realize I was hungry for structure, an instruction manual. I got the basic rights and wrongs growing up, I know I was loved, our home was fairly consistent as far as dinner on the table and holiday traditions, and as I made my way in the world, drinking and drugging and the resulting hangovers disrupted any sense of the structure I craved. I tried, thinking of times I'd attempt to go through the motions, eventually giving up any pretense of regularity. It's not like that was a conscious decision, and not like I knew myself enough to understand how I best operated in the world. But, there I am, going to bed as the sun came up (oh how I hated the morning birdsong), coming to at noon or later, drinking a protein shake thinking it made me healthy. 

Today I know what keeps me healthy, emotionally and physically. That doesn't mean I don't veer into the dark forest (self-centered fear, pride, ice cream) but it's easier to find my way back. As one of my sponsors brilliantly put it, "It's not all about me, but it is all about me," and my choices. How free do I want to be?

I will say that my new daily 10th Step practice has been eye-opening. Many days are neutral - nothing especially positive or negative, just a day. But/and some days my defenses/defects/characteristics are front and center, the same characteristics I've likely had since I was a kid. Lack of power, that was my dilemma, but too often I forget that, which can show up as judgement, impatience, or the ever-present bossiness. As my first sponsor might've asked, "What are the patterns? What are the motives?" Where have I anointed myself as the one who is "right" when perhaps it's my own self-righteousness that could benefit from a deeper look, an acceptance of responsibility for my side of the street?  As I used to hear in meetings, I no longer have a drinking problem, but I do have a thinking problem! Relieve me of the bondage of self, oh please!

What are the freedoms you enjoy today, whether freedom from or freedom to? What are the practices that move you towards good health, whether mental, emotional or physical? Are you able to cut yourself some slack if you falter? What characteristics do you continue to bump up against? How do you balance between efforts at change and self acceptance?

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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you). 

Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table