A sponsee and I read Step 3 in the 12x12 last week with its focus on willingness. I used to struggle with the idea of willingness, which can seem nebulous. You're either doing or not doing, right? And remember how we prayed to be willing to be willing? So many mental gyrations in early recovery, often looking for an out, a back door, a way to sneak in a little self will... And then, later that day, a young woman with maybe 6 months sobriety phoned, reaching out because her sponsor told her to call women on the meeting list. Willingness personified.
What does willingness look like for me in long term recovery? A few weeks ago it meant following the lead of a group member who'd set up an accountability text chain related to her intention to back away from social media. I jumped on the bandwagon and used the group for accountability related to sugar, as in "just because I'm out of town doesn't mean I need to dive into chocolate," texting them from outside the candy store in Seaside while my spouse went in. It worked - imagine that!
I came across a note where I jot down things heard in meetings that I want to hang on to: Remember when you wanted what you have now? Yes, I do remember. I remember in the way-back time machine, while married to my first husband, thinking about taking classes at the community college, growing tomatoes and having friends that were mine, not just his buddies' wives. Years later, when that simple dream had come true, looking forward to being done with college so I could read books for pleasure. I remember longing for retirement, when the only things on my schedule were those I'd chosen. Check and check. I can sometimes feel my life is too busy, or not busy enough; that I "should" be doing more, that after this or that happens, life will calm down or resume. As I've read, this is life - this doing laundry and reading the news, weeding the garden, planning a trip and taking a trip, sitting on the couch to watch my show, and yes, long and interesting conversations with like-minded others, meetings, my volunteer stuff, walking in the neighborhood. There is no "out there" when "life" will begin or settle down. There is a definite end, but no crystal ball. This very moment is what it is, this very moment of hearing a song from the 1970's that transports me back, this very moment of exchanging texts with my stepdaughter, this very moment of feeding the cats. I've often said I wish I'd paid more attention when I was younger, not realizing how quickly time would pass. Well, hello - that applies today just as much if not more so. Pay attention. Live in this moment. Appreciate the small wonders, like the zinnia seeds I planted a month ago now reaching green shoots towards the sun, the look on my spouse's face when he comes through the door at the end of his workday, my brother calling to share something funny, "good morning" texts from two good friends, rain. As Bonnie Raitt sings (Nick of Time) "Life gets mighty precious when there's less of it to waste."
4th of July coming up here in the US. I'm not going to dive into "what does it even mean?!" What it means, superficially, is that summer is finally here, and that there will likely be very loud, illegal fireworks in the neighborhood. I will put in earplugs and try to sleep at my regular time, after helping our cats feel safe with the noise. As I wrote about last week, I'll contemplate the freedoms I am privileged to enjoy as a sober person (it won't be me with a hangover on July 5th).
What does willingness look like for you today? Do you remember when you wanted the life that you now have? How can you remind yourself to pay attention to the here and now?
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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a tabl
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