Catching up to myself...
I was talking with a friend about transition, and that sense of resistance and movement experienced when outer circumstances have changed, but my psyche is still back in the old "me." He used the phrase, "catching up to myself," which perfectly captures that sense of in-between. A therapist once described it as being on the monkey bars - there is that moment when you've let go of one rung but haven't quite grabbed hold of the next.
I'm reading a thought provoking book by Rabbi Irwin Kula - Yearnings: Ancient Wisdom for Daily Life. He writes about the still, small voice, and that "yearning to know ourselves, to comprehend who we are in the world." Isn't that what the recovery journey is all about? I was out of touch with my true nature during the drinking/drugging years, and much of earlier recovery. I was very adept at out-running that inner voice of wisdom that usually whispered, "Slow down. Wait and see." For so long, I'd rather make a poor decision than sit in the discomfort of not knowing what to do - those "decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt."
Someone recently said that being quiet is different than being still. I can be quiet, but getting still is a spiritual discipline. Rabbi Kula says, "Rather than trying to define who we are, what if we sought an ever-deepening understanding of how much we are?" For all of my questioning and seeking, recovery - life - seems to unfold whether or not I know what's coming or not. As I'm reminded, "figuring it out" is not one of the 12 steps. I have questions - about retirement, about my place in this world, about deepening my spiritual connection. I'd love answers. I'd love the proverbial sky writing or neon lights that say "this way!" Instead, I have the questions, the sense of spiritual seeking that keeps me on the path. The answers I seek may not even be answers. Maybe it is more the sense of peace of mind, of serenity, of being comfortable in the world.
Life is good today. Life is better when I detach from my own thinking, when I trust in the wisdom of experience. That is surely a gift of long term recovery...
Time & experience have taught me that when I am 'compelled' to do something is most often when I should do nothing and locate that sense of inner stillness. This is a great example for me that, when there has been a history of inner chaos, the spiritually healthy choice can be counter-intuitive.
ReplyDeleteI loved this post! There's a beautiful depth to the consideration of 'how much' I am (substance, quality) vs. who I am (identity, ego). A bi-product of spiritual growth for me is that my 'who' has become much less of a priority, opening up inner space for an entire psychic change. But when I don't fill that space up with 'how much' (spiritual practice) than I can still feel, at times, like the hole in the donut.
I draw a clear distinction between the 'horizontal' world (the world of humans, money, stuff, and the ensuing suffering) and the 'vertical' plane (spiritual growth, seeking, prioritizing higher principles & prayer). There will always be a powerful pull (gravity) toward the horizontal world because that's where most people are--where they live out their entire existence. Discovering and maintaining a life on the vertical plane requires steady effort & maintenance if we are to reach escape velocity. And I, for one, am famous for getting dragged back into the horizontal and getting my ass kicked once again :)
Thank you for the image of horizontal vs vertical - a perfect image to remind myself of when I'm feeling off kilter. Am I reaching, or flat? I prefer the reach, though the life of work and dirty dishes also needs attention. And I can make all of it a spiritual act, if I am able to exercise the spiritual discipline needed to recognize that it is all holy...
Delete