As we flew back from our visit with family, I half-listened to the flight attendant instruction, thinking I know enough (though I do pay attention to exit door and floatation descriptions!). What struck me this time was the stern warning that there is no smoking on the plane, including the toilets, where there are smoke detectors. And while I do remember smoking my lungs out on flights, I was hit with gratitude that I don't have to tap my fingers in a nicotine fit on a plane. We often hear the word "freedom" as applied to recovery. Yes, yes and more yes - freedom from drugs and alcohol, from tobacco, from the active addict. Do I have my dependencies? Sure - caffeine, a sometimes unhealthy relationship to sugar - but nothing that would have me hiding in an airplane toilet to take a few drags.
On my morning walks, I often cross a street where one of my early sober roommates grew up. Ruth was literally my mother's age, so between me, at 31, our other roommate at 22 (?),we were the odd squad, wildly enthusiastic about the new life we were now living. I miss Ruth. She succumbed to tobacco related illness a number of years ago now, but I'll always remember our shared laughter. And regarding shared love and laughter, this week was the 14th anniversary of my mom's passing. Sometimes I'm hit with a wall of fresh grief, but this years feels more like a sweet acknowledgement.
I stopped at a friend's today to pick up a pile of medical equipment related to my spouse's pending knee surgery: a walker, crutches, a toilet riser and grab bars. We laughed at the things we now borrow, as opposed to the cute dress or the latest album when we were young. I'm a little apprehensive about the recovery period, but very grateful for good insurance and his good overall health, side benefits of sobriety. And as my Alanon sponsor pointed out, for me, this will be a master class in service and in asking for help. In the meantime, I'll continue to muddle through the piles of paperwork, glad for a background working in hospitals and at insurance companies. The proverbial "they" don't make this stuff simple!
Just for today, I will take a deep breath and do what's in front of me. I will remember that I can't take care of anyone else unless I'm taking care of myself. HALT = hungry, anxious, lonely, tired, with hungry, tired and anxious the prime triggers for my less-than-stellar characteristics!
Which of the HALTS is your major stumbling block? How do you stay ahead of the creeping discomforts? (It was years before I realized I'm at my best if I always have a snack on hand). What does freedom mean to you in the realm of long term recovery? What is your relationship to your grief these days? How are you able to be gentle with yourself when sad feelings arise?
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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table
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