Oh man, I've had an emotion-packed weekend. Several months ago I was asked to speak at Summerfest, an AA/Alanon conference in Eugene, Oregon. I obsessed a bit, like I do, wanting to do right by the program, and on Sunday, did my best in the moment. True to form, there were three talks - the stellar pitch I gave while on a long walk last week, the actual talk, and the "coulda, shoulda,woulda" on the drive home. And...I gave myself permission to fret for the rest of Sunday, and then "poof" let it go into the Universe. I doubt that anyone else was thinking, "She really should have said _____" or "Gosh, she left out _____." Relieve me of the bondage of self.
Above all, way above all, were the connections made at the conference - old and new. The other speakers were great - it's fun meeting fellow members from around the country, sharing ideas and experiences. We have a good friend in Eugene, a good friend we often just connect with at the conference (I love our AA friendships that can go months without talking and then pick right up where we left off). We shared a meal and laughs and several conversations with her and another friend - equally fun to introduce friends to each other. And, to run into a friend of a friend, who got her pal on the phone in order to listen in on the workshop I did on relationships (Hi V!)
Friday evening, the local pal walked me over to introduce me to a good friend of hers. As we said our "hello's" I looked very closely at her husband, and with a couple of questions, realized he was the spouse of a dear supervisor in my early work life who died far too young of ovarian cancer, probably 35 years ago. I think of her often, and had frequently wondered what ever happened to her husband who walked those final months with her - and there he was. I cried just a little, and he may have too, as I told him how much I'd loved Kathy. To another friend, who also knew her, I said, "Higher Power in the house," to which she replied, "Always is." Always is, making connections, providing just the right reading or conversation or river path or seemingly chance encounter that reminds me I'm not in charge.
After my talk Sunday morning, two fellows I'd known through another couple, both now deceased, came up for hugs and memories. And then another friend of my closest friend was there for a hug, showing me photos on his phone of me and my bestie in the 1990's. Oh my, we were young.
The topping on the cake was when a young woman stood in front of me and I realized she was the daughter of another close friend, now with nearly 18 months clean & sober after years of struggle, years of her two dads' struggles and prayers, years of in and out, now in a speaker meeting with her daughter and grandchild, and working at a treatment program. I've known this woman since she was a little girl, and while not directly impacted by her disease progression, was well aware of the hell she and her parents went through. Higher Power in the house - the Universe's timing, not ours.
Last week, as I packed for the weekend away, I started to cry with gratitude, thinking of the shivering denizen I once was - the "we don't get here from there." Recovery has given me a full and rich life, not without heartaches and challenges, but a beautiful life of being present, a life of strong friendships, a life of service in one form or another. I never would've imagined the gifts I have today when I stopped on the Sunset Pass on the way to treatment to shoot up for the last time. Grateful doesn't being to describe how I feel.
And, back to reality, I treated myself to a massage in an effort to get out of my head and back into my body - it can be hard to stay in busy-mind when my tight hamstrings are being stretched. So, back to reality with an eye to intentionally leaving space in my weeks - space for the slowing-down garden, the closet that needs attention, just sitting. I know I keep returning to this theme. As a friend told me years ago, I'll keep getting the lesson until I learn the lesson.
What lessons are on repeat for you? Can you give yourself grace as you trudge the road? How does gratitude show up in your life today?
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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table
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