When thinking about, and telling, my story, I know that I spent most of my life (pre-recovery and some time after) looking for something/someone/the next thing to fill the empty space inside that we read about in the Big Book. In our literature, it's described as a god-shaped hole but whatever its configuration, I very much, and very much without knowing it, was reaching, grasping, searching for something that would make me feel OK inside. Forget about feeling whole - I just wanted to feel OK. I wanted to feel OK, but didn't have the ability to put words to the search, getting swept up in the next infatuation, the new drug, the new dance club, the next new idea and on and on.
I feel for that girl, and for those who got swept up in the tornado. Hence the amends process, and the very slow amends to myself - the amends that have to do with sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly coming to understand what propelled me. I'm grateful for all those in the rooms who spoke to the different avenues our dis-ease could take once we stopped the drinking and drugging - spending, gambling, food, sex/relationships... I'm not coming up with a fitting analogy, but in my mind I picture the cartoon Tasmanian Devil, whirling and whirling while trying to grab the next shiny object.
And here I (we) sit, in long term recovery, way more aware of the discomforts when they show up. This week I've been feeling conference let-down. After the adrenaline high of the past few weeks, what I call my tuning fork energy, "normal" feels a little flat. A massage, acupuncture, my regular meetings, a hike in the woods are all part of my regular routine, but/and extra helpful as I settle into the here and now. Kind of like after running a marathon, completing a term at school or a big project at work- the sense of gratitude and accomplishment plus the emotional release. Always, always, self-care is key.
As a friend in a meeting mentioned recently, I've never been here before - this age, this much recovery, this particular situation, which for me these days includes witnessing and supporting friends and family who are walking through age-related change. It truly is one day at a time, and evidence that we all age at different rates with different challenges. I can get into comparison mode -better here, worse there - but my first sponsor used to caution that the only comparing I need do was with myself, as in where I came from and where I am now. My mother's 71 looked different than mine, which looks different that so-and-so's. And, so be it.
The topic of a recent meeting was "time" and its various applications. As a friend and I looked at our busy retirement calendars to make a coffee date, they reminded me of the long ago speaker we saw who said, "Time is my higher power". I can certainly relate to that, and not necessarily in a good way as I track the number of minutes I walk, keep an eye on the clock as I go about my day - a habit from my work life, or simply part of who I am. As I've mentioned before, I had a boyfriend who dubbed me "the human clock." I own that today (!) and have gotten better at relaxing my grip.
It keeps coming back to, "How do I want to spend my remaining time on the planet?" It's not about things to do - I tend to live my bucket list. There aren't too many places I long to visit, or accomplishments I hope to achieve. It really is about how do I want to "be"? What energy do I want to both expend and draw upon? How can I be part of the solution today?
I've shared this before, and didn't note the source, but once again: "When we understand that each day isn't one more day but one less, we'll start giving more value to the things that truly matter." Talking with a friend who is increasingly frail, both physically and mentally, they said that the Serenity Prayer is essentially their talisman, with the emphasis on "change the things I can" being expectations - the expectation that my body will always do what I want it to, that my friends, my spouse, my frame-of-reference icons (farewell Dolly) will always be there, that I'm in charge.
It helps to talk about it, as we say in Alanon, "reason things out with someone else." On my long weekend walk, I stopped by my brother's merely to use the bathroom, but then he decided to walk half-way back towards my house with me, uncharacteristically. I say uncharacteristically, but he is in the process of finding a new way of being since his wife died. It was good to walk and talk with this man who shares many of my memories, but who sometimes has me wondering if we grew up in the same house. Same with my cousins. I recently remarked to one of them how much I enjoyed their house because of all the fun and commotion, while she preferred my house because it was quiet. Perspective.
How do you get centered if you're feeling off track? What feelings does the word "time" conjure up? What is included for you in "change the things I can?"
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Feeling like an inventory, or a deeper dive into your program? The NOW WHAT workbook is 78 pages of topics and processing questions, great for solo exploration or in a small group. Go to the WEB VERSION of this blog page for the link on ordering (PDF for those outside the U.S., or who prefer it, or hard copy mailed to you).
Contact me at SoberLongTime@soberlongtime.com or shadowsandveins@gmail.com with questions. A reminder that the workbook is available at Portland Area Intergroup, 825 NE 20th. for local folks. And Jackie, of TMar, has a supply as well, if you're at a conference where they have a table
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